Are you a people pleaser? Sometimes it’s tough to admit, but if you struggle to say no, put everyone else’s needs before your own, and avoid conflict at all costs, some people-pleasing behaviour could be going on underneath the surface.
If you want to stop being a people pleaser and put yourself first more often, keep reading my people-pleasing friend!
What is ‘people pleasing’?
People pleasing is a behavioural pattern where a person prioritises other peoples' needs, desires, and opinions above their own, often to the detriment of their own well-being.
People pleasers seek to gain approval, acceptance, and validation from others by being overly accommodating, agreeable, and compliant.
People-pleasing tendencies can stem from deep-seated fears of rejection, conflict, or criticism, and often results in neglecting one's own needs and desires, which can lead to stress, overwhelm and burnout.
How do I know if I’m a people pleaser?
Wondering if you’re a people pleaser? Here are some signs you could be. While reading these see what resonates with you. Also be mindful that there are caveats of course.
You struggle to say no
If you can’t say no to people, even when the request is inconvenient, unreasonable, and something you don’t want to do, it’s a sign that you might have people-pleasing behaviours. Often it’s because you don’t want to disappoint the person, and fear they could think negatively of you if you say no. Hence why you want to please them by saying yes instead.
You seek validation from others
You rely heavily on external validation and approval from others, often feeling insecure or unworthy without it. This is a people-pleasing sign because you hold other people’s opinions of you higher than your own.
You have low self-esteem and self image
People pleasers may struggle with low self-esteem, believing that their worth is dependent on the approval of others, tying in very closely with the previous sign about seeking external validation.
You avoid conflict at all costs
If you go to great lengths to avoid confrontation or disagreement, often suppressing their true feelings and opinions, it’s a sign you could have people-pleasing tendencies.
You overcommit yourself often
If you’re often filling up your plate with more than you can chew, taking on too many responsibilities and tasks simply to please others, it’s a sign you’re a people-pleaser. Over-committing yourself can lead to stress and burnout, and means you’re not protecting your own energy and looking after number one enough.
You neglect your personal needs
If you find that your own needs, desires, and well-being are often neglected in favour of fulfilling others' expectations, you’re likely a people pleaser.
Those are just some of the many signs that you could be a people pleaser. Did any resonate with you? Perhaps all of them?
If so, it’s important you start doing something about it so you can look after yourself and prevent burnout. We’ll cover some strategies for doing this below.
But first…
What causes us to be people pleasers?
There are lots of different causes, and often it’s a combination of things that pull together to cause us to be people pleasers. Here are a few common ones.
Our childhood experiences
Growing up in an environment where love and approval were conditional on meeting others' expectations can contribute to people-pleasing tendencies. So, if in your household you felt like you had to do things or act a certain way to get love and approval, this can cultivate people-pleasing tendencies later on in life.
Social conditioning
No matter how hard we try to not be conditioned by society, it happens regardless. Societal norms and cultural expectations can pressure us to conform and seek approval from others. So if you have people-pleasing tendencies, it’s often ingrained into us by societal expectations and norms. For example, women are much more likely to be people pleasers because we’re conditioned to be. The patriarchy for example contributes to this, and women are largely seen as humanity's caretakers.
Personality traits
Some people naturally have a more empathetic and agreeable disposition, making them more prone to people pleasing. While giving to others makes us feel good, and like we’re helping and making a difference in the world, it should never be at our own detriment.
Fear and insecurities
Fear often leads to people-pleasing tendencies. Fear of judgement, rejection, displeasing others, being ostracised from the group, not being good enough—the need for external validation to tell us we’re a good person is often at play underneath the surface.
What are the consequences of being a people pleaser?
Now that we’ve covered the key signs of being a people pleaser and what can cause it, let’s look closer at what it’s costing us.
This is important because we’re always moving towards pleasure and away from pain. It’s in our nature. People pleasing is a way for us to avoid pain, but it’s important to recognise that in many instances it actually causes us more of it.
Mental exhaustion
Constantly trying to meet others' never-ending needs and often unrealistic expectations can lead to feelings of fatigue, frustration, and resentment. It’s a heavy mental load to be carrying!
Loss of identity
People pleasers may lose sight of their own goals, values, and desires, leading to a weakened sense of self. If your identity is linked to how much you do for others and their responses to it, it’s very hard to feel like your sense of identity is stable and your own.
Unhealthy relationships
Relationships can become unbalanced and codependent, with the people pleaser always giving and the other party always taking. This can lead to feelings of resentment, underappreciation, and feeling like no matter what you do it’ll never be enough.
Stress and anxiety
The pressure to constantly please others can lead to chronic stress and anxiety. If left unaddressed, it’s a sure fire road to burnout, which isn’t helpful for anyone.
How do I stop being a people pleaser?
We’ve established that people pleasing isn’t a desirable trait and behaviour to have. So what can we do about it? Here are some strategies to try out!
Become more self-aware
Self-awareness precedes all growth and change. Recognising and acknowledging when you’re exhibiting people-pleasing behaviours is the first step towards change.
To do this, keep note of when you’re experiencing stress, overwhelm and other undesirable feelings, and note down what’s causing it. Then, ask yourself whether you need to be doing those things, for whom, and why.
Set personal boundaries and learn to say no
Boundaries are how we protect our energy and peace, and no one is going to respect your boundaries until you do. Establish personal policies to protect your energy and note down some ways you can communicate them and say no in a way that feels good for you and won’t risk the relationship.
Saying no is hard if you’re not used to saying it, but it’s important to start working out the ‘no’ muscle. Start by saying no thank you and giving a reason if you must, and the more you do it the more comfortable you’ll get, until eventually you’ll be able to say no without feeling compelled to even give a reason! That’s freedom, my friends.
Since setting boundaries is a big topic in itself, I’ve written an entire blog about it! Check it out here: How to set personal boundaries (and say no!).
Check your belief systems
What comes to mind when I say you should put yourself first? If words like ‘selfish’ come to mind, that reflects your belief system about it. If you believe putting yourself first is selfish, that’s going to be the fuel to your people-pleasing fire.
Our belief systems underpin everything. If we believe putting ourselves first is bad, and putting other people first is good, and that we should feel shame and guilt if we put ourselves first, then we will continue to put others first at all costs because it’s painful not to due to the consequences we believe it will give us.
Question your beliefs. Is it really selfish to put your own needs first? Why? Who said so, and how do you know they’re right?
A little tip is that feeling a bit of guilt for saying no is far better than feeling resentment towards others. I’d take the guilt any day!
Build up your self-esteem and confidence
If you’re feeling insecure and like you’re not going enough, it’s easy to slip into people-pleasing behaviours to compensate by looking outside ourselves for validation. But finding validation within is how we break free.
Developing a stronger sense of self-worth independent of others' opinions can help reduce the need for external validation. To do this, start being kinder to yourself. Affirmations are a great way to re-wire negative thought patterns and build self-esteem and confidence, but obviously there’s a lot more you can do!
Again, this is a big topic in itself that warrants its own blog post! Check out my blog: How to be more confident (cultivate self-confidence and belief).
Get more assertive
Everyone has different values, ways of looking at the world, priorities and beliefs. It doesn’t mean anyone’s views or priorities are more important than anyone else. That means you don’t need to change your priorities and desires because someone else believes theirs are more important.
Obviously this will be case-by-case and you’re a smart ambitious person who can decide, but it’s important to share your perspective, your why, and express your own needs. This includes saying thanks but no thanks, because you’ve got other commitments that are important to you.
Practice speaking up
If you struggle to speak up and voice your opinion, aim for 1% better with each opportunity. We learn and develop through practice, and each time you do it, you’ll build your confidence (hard things become easy over time the more we do it).
If you struggle to articulate your thoughts and communicate effectively, I highly recommend joining a Toastmasters club where you get to practise in a supportive environment. I did Toastmasters for two years and it was one of the best things I did for my career and my confidence in general. Being a confident communicator is so important in the workplace, and if you nail that skillset you’ll be able to express your ideas and speak up without issues!
Get support (find your tribe)
You don’t need to do this alone. Talk it out with trusted friends and family, or seek support from a therapist, counsellor or life coach. Often it’s hard for us to see the forest through the trees when we’re stuck in patterns of people-pleasing, so having a coach or other objective person to guide us, ask us the right questions, listen and keep us accountable, can make a world of difference is helping us to create long-lasting change.
If you’d like to see if life coaching is right for you, book a free consult with me.
Hypnotherapy and self-hypnosis
Hypnotherapy is an effective tool for changing habits and unwanted behaviours fast, and works well for people-pleasing. Completely safe, it feels like a lovely relaxing meditation, and uses creative visualisation to get the unconscious mind on-board with your goals and the outcomes you want to create.
If you’re struggling with people-pleasing behaviours that you can’t seem to shake, a few hypnotherapy sessions can be the quick solution you’re looking for!
I offer hypnotherapy services (both online and in person in Wellington, New Zealand) to help with self-image and confidence. Learn more about hypnotherapy and book a free consult with me to see if it’s the right fit for you.
I also have self-hypnosis meditations for confidence and people-pleasing behaviours, which you can purchase from my shop. Listen to it before you go to bed each night for a few weeks and you’ll notice a significant difference in your confidence!
Getting rid of people-pleasing tendencies is a journey
While it’s great to be a kind, giving human being, it shouldn’t be at your own detriment. Put yourself first so you can look after your own needs first, set boundaries, communicate them, and you’ll be able to maintain healthy, reciprocal relationships.
It takes awareness, time and consistent effort to change behaviours. Be patient with yourself and aim for 1% better each day. You’ve got this!
If you need help on your journey, book a free consult with me – I’m a certified life coach, hypnotherapist and accredited cognitive behavioural therapy practitioner who specialises in helping ambitious peeps like you to reinvent themselves from the inside-out and achieve their biggest goals.
Thanks for reading! If you want more, check out my other blogs, follow me on TikTok: @janelle.keesue and Instagram: @janellekeesue.
About the author, Janelle Kee-Sue
Janelle Kee-Sue is a Certified Life and Mindset Coach, accredited Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) Practitioner, Self-Hypnosis and Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) Practitioner, and is completing a Diploma in Advanced Clinical Hypnotherapy and NLP with the New Zealand School of Professional Hypnotherapy. Based in Wellington, New Zealand, she specialises in helping people to change their thinking so they can change their lives; to reprogram their negative thought patterns, banish limiting beliefs for good, learn techniques for being less stressed and anxious, more emotionally regulated, positive and resilient, so they can achieve any goal, and lead happier, more fulfilling lives. In her spare time, you’ll find her at the gym, working on her novel, or hanging with her floofy Samoyed Zeus and her husband Ricky. Learn more about Janelle.
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